Sunday, November 3, 2013

Our Boy

As most of you know, we found out that we lost our baby on October 9th at our mid-point ultrasound.  I was almost 18 weeks along.

As we were in the hospital doing this for the second time, Taylor and I reminisced back to our first loss in 2009. It was so different than this time.  We had no idea anything was wrong with Tristan only that at the ultrasound where we thought we were finding out she was a girl, we were finding out she had gone to be with Jesus.  It was a total shock, a gut check.  Our grief was acute.  I wrestled night after night with what I could've have done to cause this until we received her autopsy results.  Relief filled me when the results came back that a chromosomal issue was the culprit not me, but now our grief was not only over our lost child, but of the possibility of no children at all.  The Lord rocked me to my core during this time, carving out deep places of trust and dependence on Him where there had been independence and self-focus.  Taylor wrote a poem describing the Lord's work in our lives through our loss:

As water seeps into the fissures in the rock
and hardens into ice when freezing weather comes,
splitting stone and leaving space behind,
so has the grace of God this year filled
the shallow places of our souls,
hardening and cracking,
then leaving deeper pools behind
to hold His grace when He is done.

The Lord had replaced levity with gravitas.  Losing our daughter to Heaven, made us feel more solid on earth.  He gave us purpose in a time we teetered on the edge of despair.  And His mercy was new for us each morning. If that scripture wasn't true, I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed each day. But He was with me.


This time we were able to grieve over time knowing at 11 weeks our baby was sick and unlikely to make it to term. We prayed for a miracle, and marveled over the two miracles the Lord had already given us.


Photo by Strauss House Photography

Photo by Hunter Lawrence

The Lord prepared us for the loss through the prayers of three year old Seth who at first fervently prayed for his sibling's healing, and then refused to two days before our ultrasound saying, "No. I don't need to pray.  Our baby is well.  Jesus' blood is on him."

Out of the mouths of babes.


Friday, October 11th I went alone to the hospital to take my first induction drug.  The kids were being watched by a friend, Taylor had a meeting with his supervisor, and my mom was flying over the Atlantic.  I didn't worry about going by myself because I knew it had to be done; I knew Taylor needed me to be strong, so he could tie up loose ends, so that he could be fully present once I went into labor two days later. But as I walked alone across the parking lot, the loneliness hit me, and despair tried to take grip, but just as quickly my mind flooded with  surely I am with you always.  He was still with me.


Seth has been dealing with fear lately and so our latest scripture memory verse has been Joshua 1:9 and I have been so struck with the reality of the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  Ours has been a hard journey these seven years, but He's always walked alongside us.  Oh had we known the significance of the song we chose to herald the beginning of our wedding ceremony seven years ago. It rang true when we chose it, and we know it even better today.



A few days ago, we found out that our baby was a boy.  This is what we suspected the whole pregnancy, so it was nice having that confirmed, and being able to name him.

From our first ultrasound I wanted to name him William for various reasons.  I was looking for a name that meant "determination" because I knew that if he was born with a handicap, that would be meaningful.  We also wanted a name that was Scottish.  So William means "will or determination" and well, you know that slightly famous Scottish guy, William Wallace...so William it was from around week twelve.  As for his middle name, if you know me well, you know my silly fascination with names and monograms.  I liked the idea that his monogram could spell "WIL," so we started thinking about names that started with "L."  I really liked Luke from the start because it means "light."  Taylor preferred Lachlan (pronounced Locklin) because it was a Scottish name we had come across early in our time here in Edinburgh that we both really liked but felt we couldn't use because it would be too difficult once we lived away from Scotland.  So since our baby is going to be buried in Scotland, we thought it appropriate to go with a thoroughly Scottish name, so Baby Ince # 4 is now officially William Lachlan Ince.  We will bury him Wednesday where we'll grieve and celebrate our boy's short but significant life.


In Memory of

William Lachlan Ince
son of Robin and Taylor 
brother of Tristan Joy, Seth, and Avery
October 13, 2013
Edinburgh, Scotland

Ecclesiastes 6:3-5

We look forward to a glorious reunion one day and smile knowing that William and his big sister, Tristan Joy are playing together at the feet of Jesus.

Photo taken in August when William was still with us
Photo by Hunter Lawrence

4 comments:

Amy Stockwell said...

Robin and Taylor, I am overwhelmed and deeply moved by your words and how beautifully you have expressed your grief, your love, and your faith in Him...the One Who is eternally faithful and true. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Taylor, I don't think I've seen you but once since "Crazy For You," but I have thought of you many, many times through the years, and pray that the Lord will continue to use you and Robin together to be a light in this dark world! It is a joy to see you married and as a father...I praise God for both of you and for all of your family. Robin, I look forward to meeting you "someday!"

With much love, fond memories, and a grateful heart,
Amy (Stuart) Stockwell
Katy, TX
www.davidstockwell.org

Stephanie said...

I am so sorry. How I long for heaven!!!
Praying for you today... I am just so deeply sorry.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matt 5:4

Gina said...

So blessed to read this. Tom and I lost our little one at 10 weeks on Oct 9th as well. It too was a chromosomal defect. Thank you for writing this.

Noelle said...

So sorry for your loss Robin. Your words have touched me as has your strength. You and your family are faithful and as you said, you will see your little ones in heaven.

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