What's Your Number?

Started writing this last Tuesday, but a crazy week got in the way and I never posted it...

Shay wrote on the topic: "what's your hardest number when having kids?" this week (last week!) and I thought it was fun, so I decided to write my own post on the subject.

This post was meant for Tuesday (last Tuesday!).

My master blog plan was to do What's Up Wednesday for Wednesday, and Friday Favorites for today, but suffice it to say it's been a hard week.  Yay for goals - the incompletion of them has a lot to do with this post and "what my number" is!

I always wanted to be a mom.  I loved playing dolls and started naming my children in elementary school (obviously my taste changed by the time I actually had kids since my daughters aren't named Tiffani (aka Kelly Kapowski and Stephanie (as in Tanner) and Joe (as in McIntire) - those of you who get this, you are my people.).  Actually having children was a lot different than I could have imagined.

First of all, it didn't just happen like we thought it would.  You can read about each of my second trimester miscarriages here and here.  Children truly are a blessing from the Lord - we learned this through suffering and loss.  The other morning, I came across this in my Bible - I read a psalm a day each morning at the beginning of my time with the Lord.

On July 27, 2009, the due date of my first baby, I "just happened" to be on Psalm 127.  What an encouragement from the Lord, but it took faith to believe this was true.  So on that day back in 2009, I noted it with Tristan's due date forcing myself in ink to memorialize this promise even though the "what ifs" still hung in the air.  Then as I came across it during the first year of each of my kids' lives, I got to write out God's faithfulness and his promise fulfilled to us in Seth, Avery, and Susannah.  I love seeing each birth date written in my Bible every time I read that passage.  He's Always Been Faithful.

I know that no matter if you have children or not that this verse is true, and I'm aware that not all have the same ending to this part of their story as I do, but I've learned through the suffering of these two losses that the reward is in the wait, the reward is Him whom we're waiting with.  The children are a blessing absolutely, but the ultimate blessing is God Himself who draws us in and binds us to Himself when we need Him the most.

So when I found out that I was pregnant with Seth, we were elated.  After losing Tristan, I was more aware of what a gift he was than I probably would've been and hoped that the Lord would use that to help us through the sleepless nights.  Thankfully he was a very peaceful baby,  but we had some issues with nursing,  and I struggled with some post-partum baby blues (and we were in the final planning stages of moving to Scotland), so as you may have guessed, I was slightly overwhelmed.

Emotionally going from 0 to 1 was the hardest.  Seth rocked our world, and redefined our family. There were growing pains to be sure, but the Lord used his birth and our move overseas to shape our family.

Avery was born 21 months later and she was the easiest baby known to man.  Always happy, LOVED her bed, nursed like a champ.  She is still my best sleeper.  Everything about going from 1 to 2 was incredibly easier than 0 to 1.  I felt prepared, I was able to sleep when she slept instead of hovering over her making sure she was still breathing. :) Transitioning from 1-2?  Piece of cake (until she turned 2, but that's a post for another time ;)).

We struggled about when to have baby 3.  We went back and forth on the timing (should we wait till after we're done in Scotland?  But we want them close in age... etc etc).  Finally one of our friends who has 8 kids told us, "it's never the right time." And that sealed the deal.  William was on the way - due exactly 2 days before Avery's second birthday.  Soon into my pregnancy, we heard the news that he wouldn't make it to term.  Again the Lord was faithful to hold and to heal.

After hearing from the doctor that William's short life wasn't due to any genetic concerns, we were given the go ahead for more children, and Susannah Mackenzie was soon on the way.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?"

I'll let you guess what our hardest number is by looking at that picture...

3!

While going from 0-1 was hardest emotionally, going from 2-3 has been hardest life adjustment. Emotionally not so hard, but physically and logistically running a household with 3 kiddos born in the span of  4 years = Crazytown a lot of the time.

This  little girl has rocked our little world.  She is the cutest little toot, but man is she busy!  Turn your back for 2 seconds and she's stealing big brother's valentine chocolate, climbing up the bunk bed ladder, jumping off the coffee table, I could go on and on.  Her namesake warned me that once we had 3, there would be no time to myself.  I didn't believe her then, but I have learned.  3=NO time.  I feel like a sherpa and a cat herder, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

(Susannah's behind me in her cute smocked dress lying on the floor post tantrum refusing to get in the picture...)

And since it's already nuts over here...should we add one more to the party?  Jury's still out :)

Our Boy

As most of you know, we found out that we lost our baby on October 9th at our mid-point ultrasound.  I was almost 18 weeks along.

As we were in the hospital doing this for the second time, Taylor and I reminisced back to our first loss in 2009. It was so different than this time.  We had no idea anything was wrong with Tristan only that at the ultrasound where we thought we were finding out she was a girl, we were finding out she had gone to be with Jesus.  It was a total shock, a gut check.  Our grief was acute.  I wrestled night after night with what I could've have done to cause this until we received her autopsy results.  Relief filled me when the results came back that a chromosomal issue was the culprit not me, but now our grief was not only over our lost child, but of the possibility of no children at all.  The Lord rocked me to my core during this time, carving out deep places of trust and dependence on Him where there had been independence and self-focus.  Taylor wrote a poem describing the Lord's work in our lives through our loss:

As water seeps into the fissures in the rock
and hardens into ice when freezing weather comes,
splitting stone and leaving space behind,
so has the grace of God this year filled
the shallow places of our souls,
hardening and cracking,
then leaving deeper pools behind
to hold His grace when He is done.

The Lord had replaced levity with gravitas.  Losing our daughter to Heaven, made us feel more solid on earth.  He gave us purpose in a time we teetered on the edge of despair.  And His mercy was new for us each morning. If that scripture wasn't true, I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed each day. But He was with me.


This time we were able to grieve over time knowing at 11 weeks our baby was sick and unlikely to make it to term. We prayed for a miracle, and marveled over the two miracles the Lord had already given us.

Photo by Strauss House Photography

Photo by Hunter Lawrence

The Lord prepared us for the loss through the prayers of three year old Seth who at first fervently prayed for his sibling's healing, and then refused to two days before our ultrasound saying, "No. I don't need to pray.  Our baby is well.  Jesus' blood is on him."

Out of the mouths of babes.


Friday, October 11th I went alone to the hospital to take my first induction drug.  The kids were being watched by a friend, Taylor had a meeting with his supervisor, and my mom was flying over the Atlantic.  I didn't worry about going by myself because I knew it had to be done; I knew Taylor needed me to be strong, so he could tie up loose ends, so that he could be fully present once I went into labor two days later. But as I walked alone across the parking lot, the loneliness hit me, and despair tried to take grip, but just as quickly my mind flooded with  surely I am with you always.  He was still with me.


Seth has been dealing with fear lately and so our latest scripture memory verse has been Joshua 1:9 and I have been so struck with the reality of the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  Ours has been a hard journey these seven years, but He's always walked alongside us.  Oh had we known the significance of the song we chose to herald the beginning of our wedding ceremony seven years ago. It rang true when we chose it, and we know it even better today.

A few days ago, we found out that our baby was a boy.  This is what we suspected the whole pregnancy, so it was nice having that confirmed, and being able to name him.

From our first ultrasound I wanted to name him William for various reasons.  I was looking for a name that meant "determination" because I knew that if he was born with a handicap, that would be meaningful.  We also wanted a name that was Scottish.  So William means "will or determination" and well, you know that slightly famous Scottish guy, William Wallace...so William it was from around week twelve.  As for his middle name, if you know me well, you know my silly fascination with names and monograms.  I liked the idea that his monogram could spell "WIL," so we started thinking about names that started with "L."  I really liked Luke from the start because it means "light."  Taylor preferred Lachlan (pronounced Locklin) because it was a Scottish name we had come across early in our time here in Edinburgh that we both really liked but felt we couldn't use because it would be too difficult once we lived away from Scotland.  So since our baby is going to be buried in Scotland, we thought it appropriate to go with a thoroughly Scottish name, so Baby Ince # 4 is now officially William Lachlan Ince.  We will bury him Wednesday where we'll grieve and celebrate our boy's short but significant life.

In Memory of

William Lachlan Ince

son of Robin and Taylor 

brother of Tristan Joy, Seth, and Avery

October 13, 2013

Edinburgh, Scotland

Ecclesiastes 6:3-5

We look forward to a glorious reunion one day and smile knowing that William and his big sister, Tristan Joy are playing together at the feet of Jesus.

Photo taken in August when William was still with us
Photo by Hunter Lawrence